I am not really sure what I am doing here- writing letters to you, only a week old- not even able to hold up your own head without your mom and me supporting its weight with our fingers. I am hoping to connect the dots for us both where the lines do not exactly make sense. Like those perforated lines students use to write their alphabets; not yet knowing where they will lead but it all will fit together somehow. But these lines are for me as much as they are for you. Lines and space for me to process fatherhood. A word that exists in this nebulous space for me despite everyone now calling me dad, your dad. Perhaps you and I will learn to write together: you, your name and me trying to make sense of what it means to parent. Tonight, you are a week old. We have been praying for you for over two years. I have voice notes in my phone, speaking and testifying of your arrival despite months and months of disappointment.
The one below is from July 4th, 2021, recorded when Mommy and I were living in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn.
But there is power in words and in prayer. Our words fall on ears who hear and answer in due time. There was no better time than now for you to come into my life. In fact, it is clear to me that our lives were being prepared to receive you. Grandma told me that when I was a week old, we were living in Bushwick, Brooklyn. We were renting a room from a family member. In a couple of weeks, they would move across the street and find themselves living in a basement. But look at you, you already have your own room with your name on a wall.
To you, I imagine the world still looks dark; full of moving shadows with voices. My world feels just a little bit brighter than yours. With my lines, although still perforated and broken, I hope by the time you read these letters yours is much brighter than mine ever was.
Love,
Dad
Okay, I'm a little late to the party.
And your baby boy is much older now, but for me here at the beginning he is just 7 days old, a lucky number 7, which is why I like this letter.
I find the lines you're drawing interesting at this point.
Sure, lines connect.
Especially when there are points that don't seem to fit together, a connection can be a reassurance to our ever-searching minds.
And the interesting thing about lines is that they can be straight and show clear, direct paths. But they can just as easily form circles, perhaps spiraling in their direction.
They are incredibly flexible.
As someone who draws, I know that lines, like words, sometimes tend to take their own direction if you let them, working with you to create something completely unexpected.
I'm curious to see what shapes your lines have taken today. :)
I’m hoping to keep this going as long as I can. Trying to use all the tools at my disposal to create intimacy. The last letter I made a video and that was fun. I think a lot about what will he think when he’s older reading these letters. He’ll have access to my mind as he grows. Hopefully this answers a question or two. I still have questions i never asked.