Our First Father's Day
A Reflection on Fatherhood and Forgiveness: Celebrating My First Father's Day with Myles
Dear Myles,
11 days old
Your due date was July 4th, but you decided to come 27 days early—just in time for Father’s Day. Thank you, Myles. As people called, texted, FaceTimed, and Whatsapped to wish me a happy first Father’s Day, I found myself reflecting back on all the Father’s Days that came before you.
Every time I hold you in my arms, I can't help but wonder what your grandad felt when he held me as a newborn. What did it mean to him to have a miniature version of himself that was carved seemingly out of his own likeness? Grandad wasn't present throughout both my childhood and adulthood. For a large part of my life, I felt like I was reliving the scene from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when Will is talking to Uncle Phil. He goes through his own paradigm shift about his own father; he comes to terms with the fact that there is no hope for the relationship; he has failed him for the last time.
I, too, had to ask myself this same question Will posed to Uncle Phil way too many times - Why he don’t want me man? It took me years to forgive grandad. I've reasoned that his inability to be fully present when I was young was simply a manifestation of his circumstance as a non-speaking Haitian immigrant who wasn't even 30 years old yet, trying to understand America's walls, customs, and ways. In forgiveness, I began to love him—a new version of him. It's not that he changed, but I've accepted that this was the best version of himself. Through that forgiveness, new possibilities emerged.
A conversation between Grandad and me on Christmas 2022 when I called to tell him that we were three months pregnant with you.
Since you were born, he calls every day to check in and gives advice that I'm not sure he followed himself. He tells me how excited he is to meet you. It wasn't until this Father's Day, my first Father's Day, that I realized being a father myself has compelled me to recognize the redeeming qualities in grandad. I’m asking in advance for you to forgive me for my flaws - God is still working with all of us.
Love,
Dad
The card 😭😭😭😭😭
<3