Kimia, loved what you said. As difficult boundaries are to set, they are so necessary. I am learning that when we set them, we put more stake in a relationship because it's what we want for ourselves. Our parents really struggle with this. But you're right we shouldn't have to explain what we need to protect ourselves and who we love.
Congrats again! I've been seeing all the pictures from the honeymoon, bur didn't get a chance to tap in and read what you've written. Will do soon! I am impressed that you are able to still write during this time. My wife probably would of hid my laptop or worst - never let me bring it.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Even if it never happens again, I’m so glad your father didn’t disappoint you or your son this one time. There’s nothing like connecting the dots of lineage. It’s a weirdly soul-satisfying experience. I’m glad you were able to have that with your dad.
Sri, I’m happy too. I don’t know if it’s time or it’s just the desire for us as humans to do better. He’s much softer now when it comes to Myles. I’m working through giving him grace - I know one day I’ll ask Myles for the same.
Thank you, Stanley. We all deserve our own experience without being marred by other’s opinions. It’s so hard to do though. I appreciate you for sharing.
That father wound is so difficult. I'm glad you're finding healing. I too am very protective of my children when it comes to my father and his shortcomings. However they are spared of it, and we too live far away from him, so they only get the good bits of my dad. I'm honestly grateful because I knew he was good...so I am glad that my kids only experience that goodness.
I love this Diana. We talk about boundaries a lot with our loved ones, but the cost is so high. Sometimes I’m grateful for the distance. Thank you for sharing. We get to preserve the good bits of people ... from the distance.
Another beautiful letter, Marc. Thank you for sharing with us so candidly. I’m finally caught up and glad I found you. Your newsletter is so well-written and thought-provoking, with so much substance and depth. It has become by far my favorite read on Substack!
Having never met my father, I could relate to the disappointment throughout this letter. I learned early to be grateful for what I had and grateful for what I didn’t have. I reconciled with not having my father in my life by thinking of him being as a horrible role model. I told myself, and still do to this day, to be thankful for my fatherless reality because the alternative might have been worse rather than better. I would rather not have my father than to face a steady dose of disappointment. At the same time, I will never have even the awkward joy you felt seeing my child held by her paternal grandfather. It’s tough, and it’s why I’m proud of men like you for stepping up and fully embracing fatherhood.
I hope you find common ground with your pops at some point if possible and that’s something you desire, Marc. Wishing you nothing but the best!
Darnell, I felt every word of this. I guess I don't often think about the privilege of actually still having both parents who are alive. I too have reduced my own father as a way to cope with him not being there—better for me to do that to him than to think, as a child, I was the problem. I'm grateful to have found you as well. I hope we are able to stay in touch moving forward.
"I want to tell you that people change, and we should forgive them not because they deserve it but because God has commanded it. But I’ve forgiven seventy-seven times, and the outcome remained the same."
Isn't this the crux of it all? This is what we are called to do again and again...not easy. You ask about boundaries with one's children...I wish I could answer that. Our household is going through some boundary-setting with my father and our two daughters.
It's very foreign to me...I am the child telling my parent what boundaries are allowed...I am open for any and all insight in this regard as well!
Jordan, it's interesting when we have to almost parent our parents. I haven't had the best experiences with this either, especially when it comes to in-laws. Boundaries can be ugly, hard, and nasty, but nevertheless necessary. I can only hope I am the grandparent who is understanding when my own child sets a boundary
This is beautiful. The complexities in watching our parents be what we needed to our kids is such a beautiful, hard, joyful, and grief filled experience. I am so glad your brother nudged you to introduce your son to him. I’m glad you listened. And I’m glad Myles got to meet an extension of you. Because even though there are disappointments and much childhood trauma, you’ve chosen to not allow that to keep you from being the excellent father you are. Keep shining! Keep healing. ❤️🩹
Josefina, this comment is so warming. I thanked my brother when we returned home - if not for him, I would have missed out on a beautiful moment. I appreciate you for saying this - I receive it and believe it. I know at the heart of these letters, I want Myles to say these things about me one day.
Beautiful. One of the best things we can do for our kids is be the person our fathers couldn't. You're a great dad and this is a wonderful letter. Thanks for sharing.
We are great dads Michael because we are really trying to deal with our own mess. A shoutout to us for committing to our own growth and healing for our little ones.
There’s nothing like having children that triggers your own childhood wounds. I've had to teach my daughter to accept what my mother-in-law has to offer (even with a 50% follow-through rate) while setting up a container to preserve my husband's sanity. Good on you for making the gesture, and I hope your dad's relationship with Myles flourishes with time.
Sophia, thank you for sharing that. I know eventually these conversations will come up when he is older. I am reminded of the delicate balance and dance I have to play as a new parent - my own desires and needs versus the ones he will have when he is older.
This story is exactly what I experienced with my own absent father after my son was born. I also gave it a shot because I felt it was my duty as a good mother to have my son meet his grandfather. It only happened once, after that my father reverted back to his absent self and never made the effort again. It was difficult but now that they have both passed on, I envision them having a stellar relationship while watching over the rest of us until we get there. They're probably fishing in "Heaven Lake" and reminiscing about the fickleness of human relationships 😊 Everyone is forgiven after this life.
Bravo to you for making that call! For thinking of Myles, not yourself ...what we all do when becoming parents. With all your feelings and trying to let go of past disappointments, remember this: you made someone’s day, you made an old man very happy, you have a photo of your son and dad! Beautiful writing as always! I enjoyed the City details too...nothing stays the same and we can only accept, adapt and someday...maybe applaud.
Joan, thank you. I owe my younger brother for his wisdom and encouragement. You are so right. I think I'll go ahead and get it framed and send it to him. He would love that!
Gosh, Marc, what a gift from you to Myles (and to us by extension). As our kiddos are getting older, all of those “how are we going to handle xyz challenging situation” conversations are getting to the point where the rubber meets the road. It’s so comforting to know that these moments of disappointment and rejoicing and connecting and... I don’t know where I’m going with this, but this letter really stuck with me. Having children can be so healing and so heartbreaking, can’t it?
Sara, trust me I know what you mean. Healing and heartbreaking constantly. Thank you for receiving these with so much love. I know more challenges are coming! Everyone has let me know very early on it won't get any easier lol
Beautiful words. “But he showed up. He held you, smiled with you, and even though it was just for a moment, I had to remind myself that he wasn't holding me in his arms – he was holding you.” I hope your father is there for Myles in all the ways he couldn’t be there for you and I hope it’s healing even if it is very sad. We all learn and grow as we age and maybe your father has his own journey to healing and regrets he cannot articulate. Sending well wishes.
Thank you Elaine - working to give everyone in Myles' life a fair chance despite how I feel. I'm learning my father is not the same person I was when I was younger. Grateful I get to experience him in a new light and so does Myles.
Your words are so beautiful and made me reflect (and tear up) on all the familial relationships in my life that I wish went one way and go another. And I’m learning (also via therapy) to accept things as they are and enjoy what is. I’m glad you get to experience your father in a new light too. I have a very rich relationship with my grandmother and sometimes those relationships skip generations. 🥰
The acceptance, love and joy your father showed Myles was an expression of his love for you. No need to be envious; it was you there in his arms, just as much as it was his grandson. These letters are a wonderful expression of your love for your family and, as you've acknowledged yourself, your own growth as a man, husband and father. As Myles grows and has his own relationships with your family and friends, those relationships are his. You are the catalyst, but his relationships will be very different to the ones you have, because he is different. That is hard to accept sometimes but beautiful in itself. Watching our children grow and become independent is both a joy and a heartache all at once. But mostly joy and oh, so beautiful.
Ofifoto, this comment is so brilliant and wise. I just want to say thank you. It's something I am wrestling with - I know you are 100% right. This experience taught me I have so much growing to do still.
Dec 12, 2023·edited Dec 12, 2023Liked by Marc Typo
It takes a lifetime and *none* of us gets it right all the time. Be patient with yourself; you'll get there. In the meantime, give your wife & your baby big hugs and kisses and
Kimia, loved what you said. As difficult boundaries are to set, they are so necessary. I am learning that when we set them, we put more stake in a relationship because it's what we want for ourselves. Our parents really struggle with this. But you're right we shouldn't have to explain what we need to protect ourselves and who we love.
Congrats again! I've been seeing all the pictures from the honeymoon, bur didn't get a chance to tap in and read what you've written. Will do soon! I am impressed that you are able to still write during this time. My wife probably would of hid my laptop or worst - never let me bring it.
Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Even if it never happens again, I’m so glad your father didn’t disappoint you or your son this one time. There’s nothing like connecting the dots of lineage. It’s a weirdly soul-satisfying experience. I’m glad you were able to have that with your dad.
Sri, I’m happy too. I don’t know if it’s time or it’s just the desire for us as humans to do better. He’s much softer now when it comes to Myles. I’m working through giving him grace - I know one day I’ll ask Myles for the same.
You did right to put your son first though I know it was painful to you.
Thank you, Stanley. We all deserve our own experience without being marred by other’s opinions. It’s so hard to do though. I appreciate you for sharing.
You are right.
That father wound is so difficult. I'm glad you're finding healing. I too am very protective of my children when it comes to my father and his shortcomings. However they are spared of it, and we too live far away from him, so they only get the good bits of my dad. I'm honestly grateful because I knew he was good...so I am glad that my kids only experience that goodness.
I love this Diana. We talk about boundaries a lot with our loved ones, but the cost is so high. Sometimes I’m grateful for the distance. Thank you for sharing. We get to preserve the good bits of people ... from the distance.
Another beautiful letter, Marc. Thank you for sharing with us so candidly. I’m finally caught up and glad I found you. Your newsletter is so well-written and thought-provoking, with so much substance and depth. It has become by far my favorite read on Substack!
Having never met my father, I could relate to the disappointment throughout this letter. I learned early to be grateful for what I had and grateful for what I didn’t have. I reconciled with not having my father in my life by thinking of him being as a horrible role model. I told myself, and still do to this day, to be thankful for my fatherless reality because the alternative might have been worse rather than better. I would rather not have my father than to face a steady dose of disappointment. At the same time, I will never have even the awkward joy you felt seeing my child held by her paternal grandfather. It’s tough, and it’s why I’m proud of men like you for stepping up and fully embracing fatherhood.
I hope you find common ground with your pops at some point if possible and that’s something you desire, Marc. Wishing you nothing but the best!
Darnell, I felt every word of this. I guess I don't often think about the privilege of actually still having both parents who are alive. I too have reduced my own father as a way to cope with him not being there—better for me to do that to him than to think, as a child, I was the problem. I'm grateful to have found you as well. I hope we are able to stay in touch moving forward.
Thanks for being vulnerable Marc!
"I want to tell you that people change, and we should forgive them not because they deserve it but because God has commanded it. But I’ve forgiven seventy-seven times, and the outcome remained the same."
Isn't this the crux of it all? This is what we are called to do again and again...not easy. You ask about boundaries with one's children...I wish I could answer that. Our household is going through some boundary-setting with my father and our two daughters.
It's very foreign to me...I am the child telling my parent what boundaries are allowed...I am open for any and all insight in this regard as well!
Jordan, it's interesting when we have to almost parent our parents. I haven't had the best experiences with this either, especially when it comes to in-laws. Boundaries can be ugly, hard, and nasty, but nevertheless necessary. I can only hope I am the grandparent who is understanding when my own child sets a boundary
Well said...messy comes to mind. But, how you framed it as "necessary" certainly helps in being confident in setting a given boundary.
Marc,
I sent an email to you about a project I am working on, and would appreciate your thoughts!!
This is beautiful. The complexities in watching our parents be what we needed to our kids is such a beautiful, hard, joyful, and grief filled experience. I am so glad your brother nudged you to introduce your son to him. I’m glad you listened. And I’m glad Myles got to meet an extension of you. Because even though there are disappointments and much childhood trauma, you’ve chosen to not allow that to keep you from being the excellent father you are. Keep shining! Keep healing. ❤️🩹
Josefina, this comment is so warming. I thanked my brother when we returned home - if not for him, I would have missed out on a beautiful moment. I appreciate you for saying this - I receive it and believe it. I know at the heart of these letters, I want Myles to say these things about me one day.
Beautiful. One of the best things we can do for our kids is be the person our fathers couldn't. You're a great dad and this is a wonderful letter. Thanks for sharing.
We are great dads Michael because we are really trying to deal with our own mess. A shoutout to us for committing to our own growth and healing for our little ones.
There’s nothing like having children that triggers your own childhood wounds. I've had to teach my daughter to accept what my mother-in-law has to offer (even with a 50% follow-through rate) while setting up a container to preserve my husband's sanity. Good on you for making the gesture, and I hope your dad's relationship with Myles flourishes with time.
Sophia, thank you for sharing that. I know eventually these conversations will come up when he is older. I am reminded of the delicate balance and dance I have to play as a new parent - my own desires and needs versus the ones he will have when he is older.
This story is exactly what I experienced with my own absent father after my son was born. I also gave it a shot because I felt it was my duty as a good mother to have my son meet his grandfather. It only happened once, after that my father reverted back to his absent self and never made the effort again. It was difficult but now that they have both passed on, I envision them having a stellar relationship while watching over the rest of us until we get there. They're probably fishing in "Heaven Lake" and reminiscing about the fickleness of human relationships 😊 Everyone is forgiven after this life.
Kristi, the disappoint is real. I love the imagery you set in "Heaven Lake." A beautiful reminder to continue to forgive again and again.
Bravo to you for making that call! For thinking of Myles, not yourself ...what we all do when becoming parents. With all your feelings and trying to let go of past disappointments, remember this: you made someone’s day, you made an old man very happy, you have a photo of your son and dad! Beautiful writing as always! I enjoyed the City details too...nothing stays the same and we can only accept, adapt and someday...maybe applaud.
Joan, thank you. I owe my younger brother for his wisdom and encouragement. You are so right. I think I'll go ahead and get it framed and send it to him. He would love that!
This was beautiful. I almost cried, but I’m at work lol. The “10 minutes away” point hits home (literally). Appreciate you sharing
Appreciate you reading Isaiah! Next time give yourself a moment to let the tears flow lol
Gosh, Marc, what a gift from you to Myles (and to us by extension). As our kiddos are getting older, all of those “how are we going to handle xyz challenging situation” conversations are getting to the point where the rubber meets the road. It’s so comforting to know that these moments of disappointment and rejoicing and connecting and... I don’t know where I’m going with this, but this letter really stuck with me. Having children can be so healing and so heartbreaking, can’t it?
Sara, trust me I know what you mean. Healing and heartbreaking constantly. Thank you for receiving these with so much love. I know more challenges are coming! Everyone has let me know very early on it won't get any easier lol
Maybe not, but it gets more fun 😂 toddlers are a handful, sure, but they’re HILARIOUS too
This is so beautiful, thank you.
Christie, thank you for reading and taking the time to let me know!
Beautiful words. “But he showed up. He held you, smiled with you, and even though it was just for a moment, I had to remind myself that he wasn't holding me in his arms – he was holding you.” I hope your father is there for Myles in all the ways he couldn’t be there for you and I hope it’s healing even if it is very sad. We all learn and grow as we age and maybe your father has his own journey to healing and regrets he cannot articulate. Sending well wishes.
Thank you Elaine - working to give everyone in Myles' life a fair chance despite how I feel. I'm learning my father is not the same person I was when I was younger. Grateful I get to experience him in a new light and so does Myles.
Your words are so beautiful and made me reflect (and tear up) on all the familial relationships in my life that I wish went one way and go another. And I’m learning (also via therapy) to accept things as they are and enjoy what is. I’m glad you get to experience your father in a new light too. I have a very rich relationship with my grandmother and sometimes those relationships skip generations. 🥰
The acceptance, love and joy your father showed Myles was an expression of his love for you. No need to be envious; it was you there in his arms, just as much as it was his grandson. These letters are a wonderful expression of your love for your family and, as you've acknowledged yourself, your own growth as a man, husband and father. As Myles grows and has his own relationships with your family and friends, those relationships are his. You are the catalyst, but his relationships will be very different to the ones you have, because he is different. That is hard to accept sometimes but beautiful in itself. Watching our children grow and become independent is both a joy and a heartache all at once. But mostly joy and oh, so beautiful.
Ofifoto, this comment is so brilliant and wise. I just want to say thank you. It's something I am wrestling with - I know you are 100% right. This experience taught me I have so much growing to do still.
It takes a lifetime and *none* of us gets it right all the time. Be patient with yourself; you'll get there. In the meantime, give your wife & your baby big hugs and kisses and
be proud of who you are becoming.